Blood Orange Italian Soda

As I pour my blood orange soda into the cup
my soda gets flat
cup never stays full
and soon it shall be empty

I can see blood in the bubbles.

DSH

I KNOW ITS GETTING WORSE.


I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. I don’t know if I’ve given up but I just let myself fall I let myself  do it over and over. It feels so good. I’m so addicted to all the things I do.
I make him hurt me. I make him do me bad. I hurt me too but this isn’t about ending it’s about
Surviving.

I want it bad so bad. I just miss you Issy. You kept me grounded but now so far in the clouds
. I can’t touch the ground...I’m trying to find the floor but all that exists is the pain .... can’t
 believe I want to be a mother what kind of mother could I be I can’t even be a person....

Fuck me.  Oh my god how long before I end it all... I’m not in control anymore all I have is this compulsion pushing me pushing me towards the edge by I’m already there. I’m suffocating.

No one can save me and does t even matter if I need help? Do I want help???
My mind screams no you are so weak you are going to end up where u deserve to be
In the end. . . at the bottom with the trash.

No one can save me but I don’t know how to save myself...
It feels so good to bite. To scratch and pick. I just want to be moist with it.
Fuck me.

I’m drunk. I’m high. Just kill what’s left of me. Make up your mind girly.
I want sober. I want safe but god doesn’t give happy endings to people like me.

I’m gonna live, eat, sleep, and die in the dark. I want to fuck with the lights on but. I don’t have electricity. Fuck me feed me feed me fuck me hurt me hurt me just make me disappear. I don’t want to think anymore please make my mind go away.
I hide so well you suspect but you can never know want what I feel or think you know me but you don’t know anything

You don’t know anything I won’t tell you any thing I’ll just make you question I can’t tell you anything. I don’t know that I want to be saved.


Lithium. I want to stay in love with my sorrow.


But god I want to let it go. But no one can save me because I live to save everyone else. I give you hope but leave none for myself. I drink enough to love me. I can’t hold on.
I make you free but I keep your sorrows I take them into me. It’s killing me slowly.

What’s wrong with me... ?

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so very sorry. I won’t leave you alone.issy how could you leave me ?

You were supposed to be different  you were supposed to help me save me but I’m trapped in here in this frame of thoughts . Wish I had other choices. I love you so fucking much but I know I will eventually ruin this too my toxic life will make you leave me too.
Why dos it hurt why am I hurt what have I done what will I become without the light . I can’t see it anymore. Where is the sun?
Where is the sun where is the sun
Where is the sun
It’s slipped away I’m hurt cursed
Help
Help help
Help

I don’t know why I am here why do I need help why am I asking no one cares. Not even me.
Edit: had sex and came super hard don’t care about my past and my depression is 95% gone. Yay orgasams!

SSDD

SSDD

    Here I am yet again same shit different day.
Im no longer a child but I'm still dealing with your hell.
I still live in your chaos and now we know its the sickness in your mind that makes you so unkind.

But that does not stop your anger.

That does not stop the pain inflicted upon me.
It does not stop the flames from burning me alive.

It does not sustain my mana. You have never protected my pride otherwise.
I wish you loved more. I wish you were the person you used to be.
I wish you loved. I wished you cried more. I wish we were both free.

Im tired of drowning. I find myself drifting away.
Losing everything thats important to me because you hate that which makes me happy.

But I still love you though no longer can I stand to hold your hand.
I love you though the sight of you on my face frightens me.

Im frailer. I am sicker. I am sadder.

You took my home from me and now how will I ever get it back?
I love you.
   and I continue to love you, to care.

One day you will be happy and healed and whole but where will I be?

I can not breath.
I can not eat
I can not live

You make me want to drink bleach.

Thurs 3:44 am March 30th 2017

new person

New person, new future, new past

In all of it my sadness and anguish has been exposed and he is sad. Once again my pain is but nothing but anthers. There is now is disdain for life that has been building i thought he would help but it seems it has made it worse on both halves.

In the sickness of it all I am still sad and want to cry but I can not. I never have that luxury without a nag of someone elses' depression. My birthday is coming up and all i want is a peace life can not give.


Alone and surrounded I'm drowning in my sorrows.

Anger

Fri, Mar 18, 2011
11:20 am
i'm angry. your lies have backed up my soul and your actions have broken parts of me and your cursed words have wounded me. But i'll walk on these broken legs cuz im no quitter and I love you more than you understand. But your so lost and sad and all you do is wallow in your own pain you can not see the pain anything else. You secrete your own filth and swim in it and you throw it at me and my tinted light is going out. But who will save me? I've saved you my whole life but who will save me? Why do you bully yourself no one bullies you ...you act like a spoiled child, like you cant understand human flaw. you drive others away on purpose, I fear your sanity is blurred and instead of being yourself you let your circumstances define you and you act like you know nothing sitting in your pained puddle of sorrow and agony, Poor you. One who wont move on. Are you afraid ? Why? Its hard to watch you die dont you understand?Or do you not care? You define yourself.

Are just too comfortable in your pain? Why do you Hurt yourself? Do you think its funny?
Accept the help before you. Don't think so hard or so much.  Stop the torture.  Let yourself be happy. Live let it go. Let it go. You could have so much more. I want you to have more.  Take my hand come away from your pain puddle, walk with me..please.. wont you?

Over and Over and Again.

Its late this night as we talked and talked and chated and swayed.
I wonder if tomorrow you will wake with your mind on my name. 
I swore never again.
I swore never to fall
I swore up and down left and right that you were no knight.
But it seems though your armor is hidden.
was well hidden.
Now it's no secret.
Now there is a new knight for this princess.
The road of time perhaps will shape this  secret into a modern-day faerie tale
Or will this repeat over and over and again til there is nothing but the long lost feelings of
find myself likeing the sounds you make as you laugh and enjoying to time that floats by which soon will be regret or perhaps a new adventure of self discovery.

Goodnight Jay thanks for the lovely experience.

How much

He was no longer the heart beating in my chest but the cursed
 casam of space filled with thick atmoshereic longing where the memories
fall short and the nuance of it all remains but a bitter after taste of my desires.

And they are all of him.

I want to remember the taste of his lips
but never again will I have that feeling.

No matter how much desire is there
I shall never have that back again. Ever.
But longing will remain. Forever.

So I stand here.
I wish you goodnight.

Goodnight.