Over and Over and Again.

Its late this night as we talked and talked and chated and swayed.
I wonder if tomorrow you will wake with your mind on my name. 
I swore never again.
I swore never to fall
I swore up and down left and right that you were no knight.
But it seems though your armor is hidden.
was well hidden.
Now it's no secret.
Now there is a new knight for this princess.
The road of time perhaps will shape this  secret into a modern-day faerie tale
Or will this repeat over and over and again til there is nothing but the long lost feelings of
find myself likeing the sounds you make as you laugh and enjoying to time that floats by which soon will be regret or perhaps a new adventure of self discovery.

Goodnight Jay thanks for the lovely experience.

How much

He was no longer the heart beating in my chest but the cursed
 casam of space filled with thick atmoshereic longing where the memories
fall short and the nuance of it all remains but a bitter after taste of my desires.

And they are all of him.

I want to remember the taste of his lips
but never again will I have that feeling.

No matter how much desire is there
I shall never have that back again. Ever.
But longing will remain. Forever.

So I stand here.
I wish you goodnight.

Goodnight.

My Life

"I hate my life!" She said.

          ...and so she hates me is all I can think.

This isn't the first time, it won't be the last I know she loves me.

She says she loves me. But now I can't seem to believe her.

        Every happy memory has become a lie  

All she ever talk about is how she wants to die.

Almost everyday she will say, "Never have children or you will be hurt this way"

        ...and so I hurt her this way.

She will say I saved her that, we saved her.

But she lies, If I never existed she be much happier, much more alive.

Almost everyday I become more and more bitter.

My emotions are confused I do not know what is real, I dont have words for what I feel.

I don't want to go but I feel like if I stay she will die

If I stay she will wither away and curse the day she gave to my birth anyway.

And He, He is so sad. He used to watch with terrified eyes and now He doesn't care.

He'll be damaged just like me unable to accept love honestly.

He will grow to hate me to just as she hates me now.

She tells me she loves me everyday.

She says she loves me in every way.

She hugs me

 and

 loves on me

and 

kisses me too.

She buys me nice things to say

 I love you

And still all i want to do is cry.

I just want to die.

I ruined her life.

I live with so much guilt sometimes I'm mean to her

just to make her feel about me what I feel.

To me the guilt is all that is real.

...and so she hates me

 I'll tell myself that every night before I sleep 

so I'll always wake up to see she is warm beside me.

I destroyed her hopes and marred her dreams

How I wish she had never had me.

Maybe then I could remember her smiles.

They are so foreign now. I don't think i've seen her smile honestly for quite a while.

I miss the sounds of her honest joy, my thoughts are plagued by the sighs of cries,

the sounds of tears, the lack of laugh. 

I feel my eyes close and my fingers slip away, the wind against my skin,

"Goddess save us" I say,

but I didnt die by hitting the freeway. 

i landed in grass, soft but firm. Grass in my hair clothes a bit torn.

No pain at all, no injury I remember her voice and it said to me

"Stop this."

The of hush of leaves as i get off my knees and walk away not one bad injury

 just an emotional pain.

It was a warning for me from goddess herself. I'll never tell mom how I jumped off.

I awake tomorrow writhing in pain. Everything hurts. 

But I'll paint on a smile and live with this mask

somehow ill make her happy 

                                                          someday ill make my mommy really laugh.

DRinKs

Sat. Mar, 5 2011
3:33
It doesnt look right.
It doesnt smell right.
And the sight of it is disturbing, Ohh why did you have to make me cry?
Why did you have to wound me so/? You make me the patriarch? Why?
Now I feel so alone. The liquor and my pain swells as you dwell in your pain.
As you lie to me . As you lie to me. Ill lie to you.
You say you hate this world but why, just why?
And you say you are fine but your lies are so translucent. I can hardly stand for you to speak. This world has given me a hated. Hatred so bold and intense my tears evaporate off my cheeks as I look to the heavens, my wings tar warn and tight, I curse you oh wretched and most unclean fairytale. You look down your nose at me?
Let me be god and you play human. I tuck you in and Ill tuck little man in but tonight as I sleep. I shall know god killed something inside of my body..belonging to me..dear friend put down the drink-pull up a chair.

Sleep

Sleep. I can not sleep. The sound of rain hit my window and I find my heart almost drawing out your loud steps past my open door as I hide under the covers. I hear a loud tap taping of and then nothing. I look right at as you go back but in the morning I cant remember your face.  Cant breathe since you told me your wish. Can't live normally. What do I do? What can I say? My body finds a reluctance to want to think so I move. No thought but yet and still I drown in the brown in the tint tar in this room of bars . Thick muck conceals my body and conquers my soul. and you say to me sleep. I cannot. There is no death here and while you tried to find that peach life cannot give you locked me in a cycle of hell that will be everlasting unlike most things in this world, it will never move on. Now you are content and im so very lost. The heat in my soul is growing its own yuck and my heart has no partner of strength now. Now all there is is a body of meat and it chokes, chokes on the brown tin tar, The clouds are always full of water but my cheeks are dry. Oh, how can I trust you? I fear I will lose you. But soul is broken, shattered. I cannot cry. I cannot sleep. I can't just be.. and  you tell me to sleep.
I shall not. Because I cannot.
The peace has left me..I gave it to you.
Though I cannot dream. I see you as I am up and you  smile for a change and my burdens float away and at last I know I still have you.I want to sleep
But the pain is worth it now that we are so wealthy. So you ask me if I can sleep.
But who wants to sleep.

Thu, Jan 27 2011

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish I was alone. Sometimes I wish for a new day,
and sometimes I curse the stars.
Sometimes I feel alone- I dont like it..I feel angry all the time. I want to belong but I dont. My soul is torn my mirror is cracked. My heart is grown. I cant. Cant.
Tues. Jan, 11 2011
11:37pm