"I hate my life!" She said.
...and so she hates me is all I can think.
This isn't the first time, it won't be the last I know she loves me.
She says she loves me. But now I can't seem to believe her.
Every happy memory has become a lie
All she ever talk about is how she wants to die.
Almost everyday she will say, "Never have children or you will be hurt this way"
...and so I hurt her this way.
She will say I saved her that, we saved her.
But she lies, If I never existed she be much happier, much more alive.
Almost everyday I become more and more bitter.
My emotions are confused I do not know what is real, I dont have words for what I feel.
I don't want to go but I feel like if I stay she will die
If I stay she will wither away and curse the day she gave to my birth anyway.
And He, He is so sad. He used to watch with terrified eyes and now He doesn't care.
He'll be damaged just like me unable to accept love honestly.
He will grow to hate me to just as she hates me now.
She tells me she loves me everyday.
She says she loves me in every way.
She hugs me
and
loves on me
and
kisses me too.
She buys me nice things to say
I love you
And still all i want to do is cry.
I just want to die.
I ruined her life.
I live with so much guilt sometimes I'm mean to her
just to make her feel about me what I feel.
To me the guilt is all that is real.
...and so she hates me
I'll tell myself that every night before I sleep
so I'll always wake up to see she is warm beside me.
I destroyed her hopes and marred her dreams
How I wish she had never had me.
Maybe then I could remember her smiles.
They are so foreign now. I don't think i've seen her smile honestly for quite a while.
I miss the sounds of her honest joy, my thoughts are plagued by the sighs of cries,
the sounds of tears, the lack of laugh.
I feel my eyes close and my fingers slip away, the wind against my skin,
"Goddess save us" I say,
but I didnt die by hitting the freeway.
i landed in grass, soft but firm. Grass in my hair clothes a bit torn.
No pain at all, no injury I remember her voice and it said to me
"Stop this."
The of hush of leaves as i get off my knees and walk away not one bad injury
just an emotional pain.
It was a warning for me from goddess herself. I'll never tell mom how I jumped off.
I awake tomorrow writhing in pain. Everything hurts.
But I'll paint on a smile and live with this mask
somehow ill make her happy
someday ill make my mommy really laugh.
