Blood Orange Italian Soda

As I pour my blood orange soda into the cup
my soda gets flat
cup never stays full
and soon it shall be empty

I can see blood in the bubbles.

DSH

I KNOW ITS GETTING WORSE.


I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. I don’t know if I’ve given up but I just let myself fall I let myself  do it over and over. It feels so good. I’m so addicted to all the things I do.
I make him hurt me. I make him do me bad. I hurt me too but this isn’t about ending it’s about
Surviving.

I want it bad so bad. I just miss you Issy. You kept me grounded but now so far in the clouds
. I can’t touch the ground...I’m trying to find the floor but all that exists is the pain .... can’t
 believe I want to be a mother what kind of mother could I be I can’t even be a person....

Fuck me.  Oh my god how long before I end it all... I’m not in control anymore all I have is this compulsion pushing me pushing me towards the edge by I’m already there. I’m suffocating.

No one can save me and does t even matter if I need help? Do I want help???
My mind screams no you are so weak you are going to end up where u deserve to be
In the end. . . at the bottom with the trash.

No one can save me but I don’t know how to save myself...
It feels so good to bite. To scratch and pick. I just want to be moist with it.
Fuck me.

I’m drunk. I’m high. Just kill what’s left of me. Make up your mind girly.
I want sober. I want safe but god doesn’t give happy endings to people like me.

I’m gonna live, eat, sleep, and die in the dark. I want to fuck with the lights on but. I don’t have electricity. Fuck me feed me feed me fuck me hurt me hurt me just make me disappear. I don’t want to think anymore please make my mind go away.
I hide so well you suspect but you can never know want what I feel or think you know me but you don’t know anything

You don’t know anything I won’t tell you any thing I’ll just make you question I can’t tell you anything. I don’t know that I want to be saved.


Lithium. I want to stay in love with my sorrow.


But god I want to let it go. But no one can save me because I live to save everyone else. I give you hope but leave none for myself. I drink enough to love me. I can’t hold on.
I make you free but I keep your sorrows I take them into me. It’s killing me slowly.

What’s wrong with me... ?

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so very sorry. I won’t leave you alone.issy how could you leave me ?

You were supposed to be different  you were supposed to help me save me but I’m trapped in here in this frame of thoughts . Wish I had other choices. I love you so fucking much but I know I will eventually ruin this too my toxic life will make you leave me too.
Why dos it hurt why am I hurt what have I done what will I become without the light . I can’t see it anymore. Where is the sun?
Where is the sun where is the sun
Where is the sun
It’s slipped away I’m hurt cursed
Help
Help help
Help

I don’t know why I am here why do I need help why am I asking no one cares. Not even me.
Edit: had sex and came super hard don’t care about my past and my depression is 95% gone. Yay orgasams!